A Mother's Heart

My have I changed in the last year.

My whole life I never thought I could raise a child with a special need.  Two years ago I actually saw a family with an adult daughter with Down Syndrome, and I'm pretty sure I stupidly said, I could NEVER do that.  I think I said it aloud even. 

God chuckled pretty good that day at my stupidity.

You see I have never been comfortable around someone with a special need.  It was a problem with myself.  I never have been one to make fun of someone or to put someone else down & I was always afraid that some how some way I'd say something uneducated or offensive on accident.  So it was just easier to just not go there.

I know, shame on me, I never knew what I was missing.  My best friend always had a passion for children with special needs.  She worked at a local camp, she adored the kids, and now she has the degree to back it up.  I never understood her passion until now.

I have always said when it came to my children it didn't matter to me, but that was before it did happen to me.  I never dreamed it would happen to me.  I never truly realized the miracle that is a healthy, typical child.  All the steps that can go wrong during pregnancy never seemed like a possibility to me, until it was happening to me.  I just assumed I would always have healthy "perfect" babies.  I always did the AFP tests, just because if there was something, I wanted to know and educate myself.  I truly never thought I had to worry about any of it.

I never planned open heart surgery or Down Syndrome in my life, and I sure the heck would have never asked for it.

My how God has changed my heart in a year.  The thing I said I could never do, I am doing, and can't imagine it any other way.  I am in love with this baby, in love with Down Syndrome.  I see other kiddos and adults with Down Syndrome and I just stare at them with awe, in the beauty that lives inside their souls.  There is just something magical, I swear they have laughed with God, and they wear the sparkle of heaven in their eyes.

I have bravely walked the life of heart failure & open heart surgery.  I have not so bravely handed my baby off to a surgeon with tears running down my cheeks saying more prayers that I knew how to put together.  I have relied on my faith to carry me when I couldn't walk.  I have picked that baby back up post surgery with a singing heart, kissing her chubby cheeks rejoicing on how good our God is.  Now, I enjoy that baby daily, everything about her little soul is perfect.

I have made friends in a wonderful special needs community that I never would have been a part of, that I never would have understood until now.

A year later I have a thankful heart.  I feel blessed by Down Syndrome, blessed by open heart surgery, blessed by the life I live that God chose for me.  Because honestly it's not the life I would have ever chose for myself, but now that I know how perfect Ollie is, I would never choose anything else.