Friday, December 31, 2010

Too Many Hormones...

As February approaches, I notice my emotions are going a bit hay-wire.  Perhaps it's the fact I'm 33 weeks pregnant, and my hormones are out of control.  Maybe it's the fact that I am scared to death about what is to come with Ollie's health.  The what ifs, if I allow them, became deep and wide and dark.  Trust me, I have never realized before what a true miracle it is to have a healthy child.  I took it for granted when I had Aubrie & Everett.  I am so blessed to have them period, let alone the beautiful children they are with good health.  It is honest to goodness a gift from God that you get to carry a baby, and that your baby is healthy.  When you are faced with news that your child isn't healthy, she needs surgery, well everything else kind of melts away.  Then, you realized how stinking blessed you are to live here - in a country where we have the medical teams to save her - if I lived somewhere else that wouldn't be the case & I can't even imagine how that would feel.

Ollie's Face

Her room awaits her - filled with happiness and gnomes!

It's hard at times to listen to other people's complaints & sickness they are struggling with at home.  It's typically a cold, a fever, a stomach bug.  I wish that was all we had to worry about - it's hard not to let yourself grow bitter.  But, I remember those small sicknesses used to be what I talked about too!  I wish all I had to worry about with Ollie was an ear infection or a cold here and there, or the cold symptoms when she gets here teeth in, but I think those small things will be the things that are normal that we are some what grateful for if that makes sense at all.

Aubrie (5) & Everett (3)
Partners in crime, best friends, slap fight warriors

So please say some prayers for me, and for Miss Ollie today.  I am doing very well almost every day all day, but heart surgery is scary, and I'm only human.  I feel the closer I get to her arrival the more unstable at points I do become - even though trust me I can not stinking wait for her to get here.  I think then it will be better - but it's been a long wait of appointments showing me how broken she is and that unsettling worried feeling in your heart every time she kicks.  I want to fix her, for her to be healed, but that's God's will, and I am yet to fully understand his plan.  Only 6ish more weeks my friends until she arrives!  I think her beauty will blow you all away!  

14 years together, going on 7 years of marriage
Best friends, partners in crime, hug buddies

Thank the good lord for Jade.  Having a marriage like we do was a great base.  Fourteen years together gave us just a start, but what it has happened in our lives & marriage this past 3 months is even more than I imagined.  We are stronger than ever, and more thankful than ever for each other.  I'm very blessed to have his hand to hold and his arms to hug.    I do the best I can, I pray hard, then I pray harder.  I try to bargain with the lord - yes I know that's ridiculous.  So keep on praying for us my friends - and my kids - and my family - and especially my doctors, nurses, and surgeons.  Next Wednesday we head back to St. Louis for a day of appointments.  I love that hospital, but trust me staring at a 60" plasma TV with your babies heart the size of your hand with a big hole in the middle of it is really not fun, or enjoyable, but we do it with a smile on our face and a song in our hearts. 

Psalm 139:13-18

I also apologize if this seems depressing or if I seem ungrateful for anything I have at all.  I truly don't mean it to come off that way.  This blog is my journal, to track my feelings, and my life & I need to remember my dark days as well as my bright ones.  I have all the faith in the world that Ollie will be just fine - my faith is not wavering - my hormones are!  I pray the next 6 weeks fly by, and I expect they will as we also start the basement renovation for Maggie's sweet family to move into!  We have a lot of work to do in a hurry!


  1. Oh Annie, do not apologize for being scared, my goodness, you have been given a huge burden to bear. I wish you could talk to my friend Sarah with everything she and Matt have gone through with Bowen. I believe that God will give you a strength you did not know you had to get through this. I will be praying, and praying hard.

    Love you!


  2. Hi Annie, I've been following your journey and after your last post just wanted to reach out and tell you that you have so many blog friends who are thinking of you and your beautiful family and sending you prayers and best wishes (I know you already know this but sometimes when times are dark, for me, it helps when someone reminds me!!). I'll be thinking of you next wednesday and hoping that you, Ollie and Jade are doing well. Best wishes, m

  3. Keep trucking mamma! you are doing great, and your honesty is why you are a wonderful mother and why you are going to be the best mamma for Ollie! Hold tight to the Word and that Hubby of yours! hugs hugs hugs

  4. Oh my dear, I walk in those shoes with you..... I know your fears and I live them daily. We are only human, you're right. So give your self that day of being scared, you earned it, you need it ! That will give you the strength for the other days, when you have no choice but to put on the smile and fight the fears.

    At the most critical times for my Jacob, I used to visualize taking the "bad stuff", the sickness that was killing him, in the form of a black smoke and pulling it out of him and throwing it out the window. We have a huge tree out back that was literally encased in Poison Ivy and I would visualize hurtling the diseased smoke at that tree. Now, bare with me, because I swear to God this is true - after a while, the poison ivy started to turn black and shriveled up. It literally fell off the tree and has never come back. I laid in bed for hours every night just visualizing this scenario over and over in between decades of the Rosary. Jacob held on with 2% heart function for 18 months when he prognosis was ZERO for survival. Now I visualize him walking and walking and walking..... and I encase his new beautiful healthy heart with protection.

    I know it sounds crazy, but at a time when I could do NOTHING to save my precious child, this made me feel like I was doing something ! I BELIEVE in the power of prayer and I BELIEVE in miracles.... but I also BELIEVE that we have the power with in us, given to us by God, to help our selves. God helps those that help themselves. Oh, how I BELIEVE !

    Please know, sweet girl, that I am enveloping you and little Ollie in the best of prayers that my heart has to offer. You are fighting the good fight for your baby..... rest in that knowledge and let "us" help you carry the burden too.

    (((((( Annie )))))) (((((( Ollie ))))))

    many, many gentle hugs from NJ,

  5. You know Dad and I have walked this road. I know the fear... I am living in the fear again but I try to keep my eyes on God and his promises. I know that whatever happens we will be ok. He will give us strength and be loving us. I also know those sad days when things did not go right and we lost our babies. We survived and good came out of the worst place Dad and I have ever been. God did not forsake us. He was there giving us his words to find comfort and peace.
    I truly believe we are getting a different outcome this time. It is ok to be anxious , just do not dwell there. Give it to God and let him carry you. Also do what you did and ask for prayers. He hears us, he carries us. And in everything- give thanks. xoxo

  6. No apologies necessary! This is your space to be honest and real! Such a beautiful family! Praying for little Ollie and you and your family every day. I'd love to have a group of prayerful women praying the next 6 weeks. If that's ok, shoot me an email! God's still in the miracle performing business. Praying that Ollie will be healthy and have a healed heart! Nothing is too big for Him.

  7. i will keep praying for you, Ollie and your entire family.

  8. Oh Annie, I think most of us understand how hard it is to adjust to a "new normal". Life changes in an instant and suddenly petty daily nuisances seem just that, petty. What you are experiencing is completely normal. It must feel like you are behind a window watching everyone else go about their business and you want to smash that window and back outside to the "old normal". Your appreciation for your blessings comes through loud and clear and your wishes for the future are heard as well. What a lucky girl Ollie will be to come home to such a loving and stable family. A marriage that has no trials, is never tested, and therefore how can it be a real marriage? You are building a strong partnership and will be solid in your commitment to each other and your kids.

    Six weeks must seem like forever to you and I hope the times slips by a little faster than it probably will. Your honesty in your blog helps so many other people, that is a gift you give to anyone reading. Now we will give back by keeping you all in our prayers. Ann

    {{Ollie and her terrific family}}

  9. No worries, Girl. Your gratitude shines through. Praying for a peaceful heart that rests fully in Him through these next weeks.


  10. Annie I always enjoy reading your blog and truly find your posts inspirational and moving. I truly cannot imagine the worry and fear that you all are feeling right now but as the time approaches for Ollie to get here know that you and your family are surrounded by prayers from near and far. I can remember my last trimester of pregnancy and even though at the time I denied just how bad my emotions were(I know they were BAD) Hang in there Mama she is almost here! She is going to be such a beautiful sweet little blessing for you all. Have a happy new year and I can't wait until next weekend!


Thank you so much for your kind words & support! I love hearing from you & read each and every comment you leave for me! ~Annie


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